Downsizing...

So a friend shared this article with me yesterday & it has given me a lot to think about. Could I really pare my closet down this significantly?

In theory, I LOVE the idea of being this minimalistic. I LOVE the idea of less clutter, less to clean, less to put away, just LESS.

I worry though:
-Am I brave enough to commit to less?
-How do I turn off the "hoarder" side of me that says, "but you might need this one day!"?
-What if I make the wrong choice in what to keep/get rid of?
-What if I miss something I get rid of?
-What if I get tired of the things I keep?
-What if this minimalistic thing is just a fad for me?

Interesting that as I look at & evaluate my worries, there are a few common themes:
-Courage/trust
-Provision, sufficiency
-Anxiety about the future

And you know what I notice? These are the same themes that I find in myself spiritually & when it comes to food issues.

• I don't trust myself to hear, really HEAR God, or if I do, I don't have the courage to DO what I think I've heard Him tell me to do.
• I want to have more than enough "in case I need it". I think I have to provide for myself and have a contingency plan for my contingency plan. 
• The future is scary. What if I can't handle it? What if I don't have what I need to get through what is coming? How can I protect myself from the hurts/disappointments/etc. that may be coming? 

It's not fun to admit all that. It's unsettling to realize that a task as mundane as cleaning out my closet can dredge up all internal junk!

Maybe this project is just a first step? Maybe downsizing on the outside will help me downsize on the inside? Maybe taking on these "mundane" projects will actually reap more eternal, significant fruit?

Gratitude & Praise

I came across this blog post the other day & have been thinking through this idea of gratitude & praise. 

What if I made it a point to deliberately praise the qualities and attributes of my God every time I thought about eating?

What if I practiced speaking to Him every time I entertained the idea of obsessing about my body?

Isn't this essentially what is meant when Paul admonishes us to "take every thought captive" or to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind"  (2 Corinthians  10:5; Romans 12:2)?

Disciplined Eating

from http://chasingafterdear.com/2013/10/04/d-i-s-c-i-p-l-i-n-e-d-e-ating-printable-adapted-from-elyse-fitzpatricks-love-to-eat-hate-to-eat/#imageclose-7126

Working through Elyse Fitzpatrick's book Uncommon Vessels...lots to "chew on".  ;-)

Finish line?

It's tempting to believe the lie that when I've reached my "goal weight", I'll be done with all this. As if somehow having less weight, less fat on my body will have resulted in less anxiety, less worry, less self-focus, more discipline and more Gospel-focus.

More & more, I'm coming to realize that the two ideas are not compatible. Becoming more like Christ is not dependent upon my weight. Achieving a healthy body is not what decides whether or not I'm moving in the right direction in becoming Christ-like.

However, submitting to my Heavenly Father in EVERY area of my life will move me closer to the sanctification I'm pursuing. And if I choose to see this issue of my disordered thinking about food as an opportunity to grow in Christ-likeness instead of a hindrance, then maybe I'm headed in the right direction? Maybe it's all about perspective? These issues I see as shortcomings and sin are already paid for and I'm already justified. So rather than letting that be a source of guilt, I will choose to see them as reminders that I'm not home yet. I'm not yet at my finish line.

Where I am. . .

. . . is NOT where I thought I'd be 4 months into 2015.

*SIGH*

I go back and re-read my resolutions post and just want to cry at my failures. Illness, snow days... for some reason all these unexpected set backs at the start of the year have made it hard for me to get back into the swing of the routine I had started. I'm still struggling to get back to where I was.

I can tell that I'm not as healthy, physically & spiritually, as I was. Apart from my desire to make 2015 about the gospel, the stakes are higher. In February we found out that I'm expecting our second child. Doing a pregnancy at this weight was not my plan. Doing a pregnancy without being further along in this journey of peace with eating was not what I wanted.

I'm trying to rest in the promise that God's ways are higher than mine. His thoughts are better. His direction is perfect. Everything in my life that I think is unexpected is perfectly planned by Him. 

2015 resolutions

Time for a new year's resolution list. *SIGH*

I can come up with a laundry-list of things I want to change, ways I want to be different, goals  I want to set. But really, I'm finding it all boiling down to one big idea that is going to take a LONG time (ok, really a lifetime) to master. But for once, this year, I'm actually going to vocalize it & put it front & center to face.

I want to begin to mindfully, intentionally, deliberately choose Gospel-centered thinking about everything.

Yikes! Even typing that stung a little.

But the truth is that I act like the idea of thinking Biblically is something I can put on & take off when it's convenient. I can choose me when no one is watching and it won't matter. I'm finally old enough, aware enough to realize that it always matters. I'm starting to see that the sins that I wrestle with privately are linked to my mindset & how I let that mindset play itself out in my actions. I have made myself so busy trying to change those actions rather than change the mindset.

I want to see a heart change. A real, honest-to-goodness change of my heart. I've read the books, I've listened to the sermons, I've contributed to the Bible-study discussions. Enough.
I have the tools--it's time to admit that I'm not using them.
Just do it.

I have to make a decision every day, every moment about who I will be. I say I want freedom from bulimia. I say I want freedom from depression. I say I want freedom from self-centered thoughts and impatience and anger and...... None of that will come unless I stop focusing on these things as the "finish line".

This year I am practicing Gospel Moment Living. Every day. Every moment is an opportunity to apply the truth of the Word of the God. Every day I am choosing Truth. I am choosing life. I am choosing Gospel over ME. Just right now. Just this time. Just this moment. Stop thinking I have to have a bigger plan. I don't. It doesn't matter what happens tomorrow or even later today. Right now, in this moment, choose the right thing. Then at the  next decision-point, choose the next right thing. Take my eyes off of bigger planning. Who cares what comes next. Who cares about what if!  I can't make my entire life be some resolution or finish line--that is overwhelming and I fail at it constantly. It's too big of a chunk for me to process.
I don't need all the answers.
I don't need to see the whole plan.
I'm just choosing the Gospel this moment.

Here we go...

He must increase

"He must increase; I must decrease."
John 3:30

We can't both increase.

Today I'm focusing on Him, not me.
His ways are higher. His ways are better.
His thoughts about me are better.
My ways fail. His don't.
Then why do I keep fighting Him for control?

Graphic by: https://www.behance.net/gallery/The-Word/7329577