Friday, September 25, 2015

Secret or Savor?

The push & pull of food is so tricky: eat healthy, eat in balance, enjoy treats, be self-disciplined.... So many voices & so much "advice" to weed through.

I came across a great article by Geneen Roth today that challenges us to enjoy what we're eating. Instead of feeling shame and secrecy, make it a pleasure: slowly savor it and let yourself enjoy the process. I am AWFUL at this.

One person she interviewed put it so well:
"Eating is always a guilty pleasure," she says. "I feel as if I'm not supposed to enjoy food because I need to lose 10 pounds, and people who are supposed to lose 10 pounds should be ashamed of themselves. They should eat dry chicken without skin and salad without dressing — not steak and mashed potatoes."

There is an endless list of rules or opinions in my head and without even realizing it, those rules are on a constant ticker in my mind when I sit down to eat:
"You're not allowed to enjoy this."
"You shouldn't be eating that."
"You could have made a better choice."
"Is this something that (__fill-in-the-blank__) would eat?"
"Someone your size shouldn't eat that."

Ms. Roth ends with this thought: "We don't overeat because we take too much pleasure from food, but because we don't take enough. When pleasure ends, overeating begins."

I'm going to make it a point to keep this thought in mind and see what habits I may change if I focus less on the voices in my head and more on the pleasure to be found in the moment I am hungry & eating what is good for me.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Dream come true!

This weekend I got to attend a women's conference Thursday-Saturday where Kay Arthur spoke--in person! Not a simulcast or recording!

I've been doing Precept studies for about 8 years now and the lessons always feature Kay teaching via DVD. To get to hear her in person was wonderful--even better, I got to meet her and tell her how much I love & appreciate her and her ministry. She signed my NIS Bible too. :-)  She was so gracious and full of passion for the Word of God. My prayer all weekend long has been that I would be just as in love with the Lord & His Word when I'm 81 as she is!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Me & my shadow...

It's a sobering realization that my legacy lives with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

When I'm tempted to give in to laziness, self-centeredness, whining, discontent (the list could go on & on & on....), I'm confronted with a sweet, curly-headed shadow watching everything, hearing everything, copying EVERYTHING.

The other day, I was stopped at a red light waiting to make a right turn. Each car ahead of me had done the exact same thing: stopped, checked to see if it was clear, then turned on red. As we waited our turn, my daughter huffs from the backseat, "Just go already!"
Oh dear. Wonder where she'd learned that??

My battle with disordered eating is my biggest source of worry when it comes to my Little Shadow.
*Will she see & copy this faulty thinking and destructive behavior?
*Will she think this obsession with weight & body is normal?
*Will she develop an eating disorder because she grew up with me?

When I look at her, I see perfection in the Father's creation. She is exactly what she should be. Her body does what it needs to do. She eats the way she was made to eat. Her Father made her perfectly. And yet, I know that if she hears the voice of the enemy louder than the one of her perfect Father's, she will grow unsatisfied or even come to hate what her Creator made. 

Scripture likens children to arrows (Psalm 127): they will go on further than ourselves. They are a piece of ourselves shot into the future. Hopefully, if I'm living well and honoring the Gospel, my little arrow will be stronger, sharper and sail further towards her target than I hoped.

Thankfully, how my Little Arrow turns out is not a matter of chance. She is fashioned by a loving Creator and He will equip her daddy & me to sharpen her as she grows. So instead, I should be asking myself:

*Will I let the Word of God address my faulty thinking & change my destructive behavior?
*Will I relinquish control and allow God to be God in my own body?
*Will I confront wrong thinking/behavior/speech in my own life and in my daughter's?
*Will I be vigilant in prayer to war against the stronghold of bulimia and disordered eating?

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Keep it in front of you

In an attempt to make Truth-grazing a little easier, I've made some organizational changes in my day.

Usually all my reading and "quiet time" books (Bible, devotional, Scripture memorization spiral...) reside on my night stand. However, I was finding that since I spend most of the day downstairs away from my bedroom, I was not easily picking up Scripture.

So I've moved my Scripture memorization spiral to the same spot in the kitchen where I keep my weekly to-do list.

It's made a BIG difference for me! I rely on that to-do list all day long. Now I can't help but be reminded of the Scripture I'm working on! Cleaning up the kitchen, preparing a meal, crossing items off my list... I encounter Truth every time to do those things.

Another thing that has helped me is this little accordion folder where I keep note cards with significant verses or reminders.  These may be quotes from some of the books or devotionals I've read, or they may be specific Bible verses that have struck me and are good reminders to think Truth and do Right.

Usually this folder stays on my nightstand, but a particular card can be pulled out and carried with me or placed downstairs if I want to make it part of my day.

What kinds of things do YOU do to keep Truth in front of you?

Monday, May 4, 2015


I hear alot about how grazing on food throughout the day--having 6 or 7 very small meals rather than 3 large ones--is a healthier option.

What would it be like to graze all day on the Bread of Life? What if "quiet time" or "devotions" wasn't just a one time event? Maybe I snatch 5 minutes here to read 1 verse over and over, maybe I grab another 5 minutes there to read another couple verses? Would that put me further along the path of "transforming my mind"?

Thursday, April 23, 2015


So a friend shared this article with me yesterday & it has given me a lot to think about. Could I really pare my closet down this significantly?

In theory, I LOVE the idea of being this minimalistic. I LOVE the idea of less clutter, less to clean, less to put away, just LESS.

I worry though:
-Am I brave enough to commit to less?
-How do I turn off the "hoarder" side of me that says, "but you might need this one day!"?
-What if I make the wrong choice in what to keep/get rid of?
-What if I miss something I get rid of?
-What if I get tired of the things I keep?
-What if this minimalistic thing is just a fad for me?

Interesting that as I look at & evaluate my worries, there are a few common themes:
-Provision, sufficiency
-Anxiety about the future

And you know what I notice? These are the same themes that I find in myself spiritually & when it comes to food issues.

  • I don't trust myself to hear, really HEAR God, or if I do, I don't have the courage to DO what I think I've heard Him tell me to do.
  • I want to have more than enough "in case I need it". I think I have to provide for myself and have a contingency plan for my contingency plan. 
  • The future is scary. What if I can't handle it? What if I don't have what I need to get through what is coming? How can I protect myself from the hurts/disappointments/etc. that may be coming? 

It's not fun to admit all that. It's unsettling to realize that a task as mundane as cleaning out my closet can dredge up all internal junk!

Maybe this project is just a first step? Maybe downsizing on the outside will help me downsize on the inside? Maybe taking on these "mundane" projects will actually reap more eternal, significant fruit?

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Gratitude & Praise

I came across this blog post the other day & have been thinking through this idea of gratitude & praise. 

What if I made it a point to deliberately praise the qualities and attributes of my God every time I thought about eating?

What if I practiced speaking to Him every time I entertained the idea of obsessing about my body?

Isn't this essentially what is meant when Paul admonishes us to "take every thought captive" or to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind"  (2 Corinthians  10:5; Romans 12:2)?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Disciplined Eating


Working through Elyse Fitzpatrick's book Uncommon Vessels...lots to "chew on".  ;-)

Monday, April 13, 2015

Finish line?

It's tempting to believe the lie that when I've reached my "goal weight", I'll be done with all this. As if somehow having less weight, less fat on my body will have resulted in less anxiety, less worry, less self-focus, more discipline and more Gospel-focus.

More & more, I'm coming to realize that the two ideas are not compatible. Becoming more like Christ is not dependent upon my weight. Achieving a healthy body is not what decides whether or not I'm moving in the right direction in becoming Christ-like.

However, submitting to my Heavenly Father in EVERY area of my life will move me closer to the sanctification I'm pursuing. And if I choose to see this issue of my disordered thinking about food as an opportunity to grow in Christ-likeness instead of a hindrance, then maybe I'm headed in the right direction? Maybe it's all about perspective? These issues I see as shortcomings and sin are already paid for and I'm already justified. So rather than letting that be a source of guilt, I will choose to see them as reminders that I'm not home yet. I'm not yet at my finish line.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Where I am. . .

. . . is NOT where I thought I'd be 4 months into 2015.


I go back and re-read my resolutions post and just want to cry at my failures. Illness, snow days... for some reason all these unexpected set backs at the start of the year have made it hard for me to get back into the swing of the routine I had started. I'm still struggling to get back to where I was.

I can tell that I'm not as healthy, physically & spiritually, as I was. Apart from my desire to make 2015 about the gospel, the stakes are higher. In February we found out that I'm expecting our second child. Doing a pregnancy at this weight was not my plan. Doing a pregnancy without being further along in this journey of peace with eating was not what I wanted.

I'm trying to rest in the promise that God's ways are higher than mine. His thoughts are better. His direction is perfect. Everything in my life that I think is unexpected is perfectly planned by Him. 

Friday, January 2, 2015

2015 resolutions

Time for a new year's resolution list. *SIGH*

I can come up with a laundry-list of things I want to change, ways I want to be different, goals  I want to set. But really, I'm finding it all boiling down to one big idea that is going to take a LONG time (ok, really a lifetime) to master. But for once, this year, I'm actually going to vocalize it & put it front & center to face.

I want to begin to mindfully, intentionally, deliberately choose Gospel-centered thinking about everything.

Yikes! Even typing that stung a little.

But the truth is that I act like the idea of thinking Biblically is something I can put on & take off when it's convenient. I can choose me when no one is watching and it won't matter. I'm finally old enough, aware enough to realize that it always matters. I'm starting to see that the sins that I wrestle with privately are linked to my mindset & how I let that mindset play itself out in my actions. I have made myself so busy trying to change those actions rather than change the mindset.

I want to see a heart change. A real, honest-to-goodness change of my heart. I've read the books, I've listened to the sermons, I've contributed to the Bible-study discussions. Enough.
I have the tools--it's time to admit that I'm not using them.
Just do it.

I have to make a decision every day, every moment about who I will be. I say I want freedom from bulimia. I say I want freedom from depression. I say I want freedom from self-centered thoughts and impatience and anger and...... None of that will come unless I stop focusing on these things as the "finish line".

This year I am practicing Gospel Moment Living. Every day. Every moment is an opportunity to apply the truth of the Word of the God. Every day I am choosing Truth. I am choosing life. I am choosing Gospel over ME. Just right now. Just this time. Just this moment. Stop thinking I have to have a bigger plan. I don't. It doesn't matter what happens tomorrow or even later today. Right now, in this moment, choose the right thing. Then at the  next decision-point, choose the next right thing. Take my eyes off of bigger planning. Who cares what comes next. Who cares about what if!  I can't make my entire life be some resolution or finish line--that is overwhelming and I fail at it constantly. It's too big of a chunk for me to process.
I don't need all the answers.
I don't need to see the whole plan.
I'm just choosing the Gospel this moment.

Here we go...